11 weeks

So here is my 11 week photo. My belly is definately getting bigger. but I dont think I look pregnant yet, I just look like im gaining weight which is kind of hard to watch because im losing weight on the scale but still look so big. But thats ok as long as baby is healthy!!! sorry about the messy kitchen in the background. This was just after dinner.

My dream

I had a dream last night that I felt I should write before I forget it. Just since I woke up I'm losing more and more details of the dream. What I can remember is very little but very important to me. In my dream I was in my room and i said aloud I know you are here I love you so much and I could feel the presence of my Son Gabriel and another of my children as well. The part i cant remember is if the second child was in physical form or if it was just a presence as well. I believe that we are more receptive in our sleep to the presence of spirits that are close to us. I have really been struggling lately. I miss Gabriel Like crazy and i worry about my baby growing inside of me now. I think they knew I needed to feel them and know that the are both with me to comfort me and to know everything will be ok. The feeling I got from Gabriel was that of a protector or a Gaurdian. and the second presence was more reliant on me for protecting. This dream will always mean so much to me. I also had very special dreams just before Gabriel was born and after he was born. I will share these dreams with you in a later post.

A friend for Goldie

We adopted a dog named Mitzy. we have had her for a little over two weeks now. We learned very quickly that she cant have free roam of the house like Goldie can. She ate all the fabric off of the arm of my love seat that I got in Japan. Well I wanted a new one anyway. when we are not around we have to keep her in her kennel. but she doesn't seem to mind at all. Goldie is alot calmer so I have more time to myself to read and play on the Internet. she exerts all of her playful energy towards Mitzy now and then comes to me when she wants to cuddle. well sometimes she cuddles with Mitzy alot too.

10 weeks already???

I am 10 weeks and 2 days now. A few days after I found out that I was pregnant nausea started. I seem to only get really sick at night but almost every night at about 6pm I seem to get sicker than a dog. The past few days I have actually been getting sick less frequently and it seems less intense. I think the hormones are starting to taper down a little which is good because I have lost 10 pounds since my last appointment 2 1/2 weeks ago. Even though I'm losing weight my belly seems the same size. probably because at this point your waist should have thickened a little. I think it will be awhile before I actually show because I still hadn't lost the weight from my pregnancy with Gabriel. So I will probably just look like I have eaten a few too many donuts for awhile. anyway this is me at 9 weeks 3 days.

Our trip to Ensanada

For my birthday Tony took me to Ensanada Mexico. It was quite the adventure. We got lost in Tijuana for about two hours. but when we finally got there it was worth it. we went swimming for awhile. The waves were great and the water reminded me of okinawa it was so warm and clear. but my skin was burning I think too much salt so we only stayed for about an hour. Then we walked around downtown. We got a hotel and had planned on staying. we got in the jacuzzi. Then went to dinner. The dinner was excellent. we walked around for awhile longer and stopped at a famous restraunt. apparently they are famous for there french pastries so we had to try. They were the best pastries I have ever had! later we heard there had been an earthquake and decided we should get back to make sure Goldie was ok. so we left around 10 and got back at 1am. we actually got lost in TJ again and had to ask the police to give us directions. They escorted us all the way out of mexico. We felt pretty important. The first pic is of the streets downtown and the second is of where we ate dinner.

The unexpected exciting news

So I mentioned in one of my previous posts that there were actually three being pictured. You just cant see one. Were you able to guess what I meant??? On July 19th we found out that i am indeed pregnant again. This was the same day we found out I was Pregnant with Gabriel last year. However I was 6 weeks when I found out rather than the three weeks I was with Gabriel when I found out. This baby is due March 15th. However, do to the complications that happened with Gabriel I am going to get a c-section. So our bundle of joy should be here near the beginning of March. I'm hoping we can pick a date at my next appointment Aug 28. so in the picture with KY I was about 4 weeks pregnant. This pic was taken the night I found out at 6 weeks. We feel so very blessed!!!

Kyler and Goldie

Goldie loved Ky. She used to sleep with us but every night that Ky fell asleep on the couch instead of in bed I would go out to check on him and I found Goldie curled up next to him.

Kyler comes to visit

My brother Kyler came to visit for about 10 days. We had a lot of fun we went to a padres game. went to san luis obispo to visit tony's grandparents and went to the beach. Kyler also helped me finish painting my walls. It was so nice to have him here. These are the pics we took just before he left for the airport. Notice he is On his tippy toes with the pic with Tony. I thought that was cute. and in the pic with me there is actually someone else there that you cant see yet.

Our Gaurdian angel

Gabriel passed away June 6th 2008. We had his funeral services in St. Anthony Idaho. Tony was able to stay for 10 days. He returned on the 17th and I returned on the 20th. it has been very hard for us to deal with. But one thing I can say is I have no regrets. I was with him every second I could and I gave him all my love. I know he is in a better place and will be with him again. We love you Gabriel we will see you again!!!

Good times as a family

One memory that I constantly remember is when we took him off the breathing machine. I was so happy to hold my baby in my arms. and to be able to give him the loving care he deserves. The next is when we went for our first walk it was just around The hospital courtyard but it was just so peaceful. We went to the healing garden there were birds chirping everywhere and the sound of water from a little water fall and pond. My favorite memory is when Tony,Gabriel, Goldie and I were all sitting around the computer. we were listening to music on youtube . Tony would move Gabriel's hands around to have him dance. and the puppy was just excited to be with all of us together.

Back to the PICU

In the very beginning Tony asked me how long I thought Gabriel would hold on. I said two months. So on June first a little after midnight I went to wake up Tony. I told him I was scared to lose Gabriel at home I wanted to keep the memories of his life at home. I didn't want my last memory of him at home to be of his passing. so we called Tracy and she talked to the doctor to see if we could come there during his last days. The Dr. agreed and we were there by 1 am. These pictures are some of our last photos of our precious baby boy.

The beach

One of my wishes was to bring Gabriel to the beach. We went at Coronado beach took our picture and left. It was way to cold for the baby boy to stay there. But at least we have the memory of bringing him to mama's favorite place.

hanging out in the backyard

Tony decided to take Gabriel out for some fresh air. They didn't go far but it was nice for then to spend time together.

Father's day early

We knew Gabriel probably would not last until father's day. He had recently stopped tolerating food which is typical towards the end of life. So we celebrated father's day early. Gabriel got Daddy a fishing pole. and I told Tony that every time he goes fishing his little buddy will be there. he may not be there in his physical body but he will be there.

Sweet Slumber

My favorite pics of Gabriel sleeping with us. I loved how peaceful he looked while sleeping with daddy.

Bath time

Gabriel loved bath time with mama. I think the warm water was soothing to him. or maybe it reminded him of being in the womb. After our bath I would put on a button down shirt and button him up inside to warm him up. while he was waiting for mama warm body heat to warm him up we had put a blanket in the dryer and wrapped him in that. Great Grandma Laine made him some rice packs to help warm him up. Once he was in my shirt we would surround him with the heated rice packs and blankets as well. He really seemed content.

Gabriel's favorite things

Gabriel Loved one weird position. I would lay him with his back curled around my stomach on my lap. If he was upset the second I layed him that way and rubbed his tummy he was a happy boy again. He also loved his car seat as well!!! he wasn't sleeping very well so Alaina took us for a ride and he slept the whole way. and when we fed him we put him in his bouncy chair that really helped with the reflux.

Home Hospice team

We received weekly visits from the home hospice team. they were wonderful we really had a good experience with them.

Gabriel meets Gpa Mele Gma Alaina and Gma Marty

Gabriel was not able to meet all of his Grandma's and Grandpa's and other relatives but he was able to meet some.He met GPA Mele while still in the PICU. He met Gma Marty while in hospice. And he met Gma Alaina at home.

Gabriel and his puppy

While at hospice we bought Gabriel a golden retriever puppy. we named her Goldie. She seemed to know her purpose. she was very gentle with Gabriel and always wanted to be near him. We knew it would be hard work but we felt it was important for our grieving process to do everything we can that we had planned on doing for him. These are both pictures of Goldie and Gabriel at our home.

San Diego Hospice

We decided we would like to take Gabriel home. We went to San Diego Hospice (Inpatient) to help us transition to being at home with out any help. we didn't get much help... They would forget to bring us his meds so I was up every three hours making sure we got it on time. we were able to move into our house on the 16Th of May so we took him home then. This first picture is him on the way to our house for the first time. The second picture is him at hospice.

Moved to the PICU

We spent I think 2 nights at the maternity ward. They had an extra room available so to give us privacy we stayed there. Then Since Gabriel was doing so well they moved us to the PICU where there were nurses that could help us and check on us more. Gabriel seemed very content and continued to go on strong. This is where we met Tracy. She was the nurse that took care of Gabriel I would say 90% of the time. We formed a very close bond with Tracy and she helped us get through this hard time.

Gabriel is taken off of all life support

On the 28th of April Gabriel was taken off of the breathing machine. It was a hard decision to make but he continued to suffer more and seemed to be in more pain. and if we prolonged his life too long he would develop cerebral palsy and be in pain all the time. Although it was hard we had to do what was best for our child not what was best for us. we packed clothes for two days expecting that he would pass in a few hours to a few days. I was so afraid I wasn't ready to lose him but I didn't want to force him to be in pain anymore. To our surprise our sweet pea did very well and didn't pass away until June 6th. Everyone was amazed at our little Gabriel's strength. This is our first family photo with no tubes!!! We also got in contact with a photographer Shawn Houllis. She volunteers for an organization called Now I lay me down to sleep. They take pictures for families that have lost or are losing a child. They were beautiful. The first black and white picture on our blog of Gabriel was taken by Shawn. She is such a sweet lady. If you would like to see more pictures that she took visit Gabriel's website http://www.caringbridge.org/, enter gabrielmele for website name. This was our favorite family photo that she took.

Gabriel's zoo friend

We went to the zoo and took pictures of all the animals. Our plan was to tape all the pictures on his crib or warmer so he had a chance to see the zoo animals. we found out the next day that the part of his brain that perceives sight was not working. We truly believe that even though his body was broken and he couldn't see or here I think he could perceive these things with his spirit. so we were still going to do it but ran out of time. However, we did get him some stuffed animals to hold so he wouldn't ever feel alone.

Baby's first outfits

We finally got to dress our baby!!! These are pictures of the first outfit I put on him and the first outfit Daddy put on him.

Medevac

On April 19Th we were medevaced to Balboa hospital in San Diego California. Gabriel did wonderful. The change in air pressure didn't seem to bother him at all. We were very sad to leave all the Okinawa Nicu staff. They were so wonderful.

Kangaroo care

Kangaroo care or skin to skin is supposed to be very comforting for the baby. I know it was comforting to me to hold my baby so close. They give you a button down shirt and you hold your baby inside the shirt. Since I got to hold Gabriel first Daddy did skin to skin first. He was tolerating movement better so Tony did it in the morning and I did it that night. Unfortunately my time didnt last long. Gabriel thought it would be funny to rest his arm on the breathing tube and yank down. so the tube came out and the doctors had to get it back in so that his airway was protected. But we tried agin the next day and i was able to hold him for a over an hour.

The first time we held our baby

The first time I got to hold Gabriel was April 5th. We couldnt both hold him on the same day because alot of moving around seemed to upset him. Tony held him for teh first time on April 6th.

Okinawa NICU

In the okinawa Nicu he recieved many tests however they did not have the equipment needed to support him while in an MRI so we had to be medevaced to San diego Ca. We really trusted and missed the Okinawa NICU staff. i wish we could have brought them with us. Gabriel was in the okinawa NICU from april 1st until april 19th. He self extibated once and he was breathing fine without the machines, but becasue he did not have a gag reflex we had to keep him on it to protect his airway.

Gabriel Is born

My pregnancy was perfect. But the delivery was the scariest thing I have ever been through in my life. Gabriel did not breath for 18 minutes and therefore suffered severe brain damage. His diagnosis was hypoxia ischemic cepalephany. (I probably miss spelled that). The Doctors did not expect him to make it out of the delivery room let alone 2 months. We were privileged to be with our perfect little angel for over two months. I was so grateful to have the time I did with him. he has completely changed my life and I know he is always watching over us. I know I will be with him again.

The happiest moment of our lives

So in July of 07 we had been together for a little over a year. Ever since we had gotten married we never really tried to prevent pregnancy. We believed that when we were meant to be parents heavenly father would bless us with a bundle of joy. After a year of not preventing anything and a lot of times trying pretty hard to bring a baby into this world, we finally went to see the Dr. Apparently I do not ovulate regularly which was making it hard to get pregnant. In addition to that I had a medical condition which could be treated in 3 ways. 1st birth control pills, 2ND pills to stop ovulation, or third get pregnant. Well the first to were out, we really wanted a baby. and the third seemed impossible since we had not gotten pregnant yet. The Dr. Prescribed me clomid. I began taking it in June and was pregnant by the middle of July. we found out on July 19Th when i was only three weeks pregnant. I though my eyes were just playing tricks on me because there was only a faint line so I went to my Dr and had a blood test done and I was indeed pregnant. we were so excited i ran to all my neighbors to tell them. and of course I told tony. I woke him up from a nap to tell him and he seemed a little dazed and confused at first but once he woke all the way up he was excited too.